Achilles' Biological Findings: 
        (1)  If a child looks like his father, that's heredity.  If 
             he looks like a neighbor, that's environment. 
        (2)  A lot of time has been wasted arguing over what came 
             first-the chicken or the egg.  It was undoubtedly the 
             rooster. 
Adam's Law: 
        (1)  Women don't know what they want; they don't like what 
             they have got. 
        (2)  Men know very well what they want; having got it, they 
             begin to lose interest. 
Adler's Distinction: 
        Language is all that separates us from the lower animals, 
        and from the bureaucrats. 
Advertising Rule: 
        In writing a patent-medicine advertisement, first convince 
        the reader that he has the disease he is reading about; 
        secondly, that it is curable. 
Air Force Inertia Axiom: 
        Consistency is always easier to defend than correctness. 
Alden's Laws: 
        (1)  Giving away baby clothes and furniture is the major cause 
             of pregnancy. 
        (2)  Always be backlit. 
        (3)  Sit down whenever possible. 
Andrea's Admonition: 
        Never bestow profanity upon a driver who has wronged you. 
        If you think his window is closed and he can't hear you, 
        it isn't and he can. 
Armstrong's Collection Law: 
        If the check is truly in the mail, it is surely made out to 
        someone else. 
Bagdikian's Observation: 
        Trying to be a first-rate reporter on the average American  
        newspaper is like trying to play Bach's "St. Matthew Passion" 
        on a ukelele. 
Baker's First Law of Federal Geometry: 
        A block grant is a solid mass of money surrounded on all sides 
        by governors. 
Banacek's Eighteenth Polish Proverb: 
        The hippo has no sting, but the wise man would rather be sat 
        upon by the bee. 
Barbara's Rules of Bitter Experience: 
        (1)  When you empty a drawer for his clothes and a shelf for 
             his toiletries, the relationship ends. 
        (2)  When you finally buy pretty stationary to continue the 
             correspondence, he stops writing. 
Barker's Proof: 
        Proofreading is more effective after publication. 
Bennett's Laws of Horticulture: 
        (1)  Houses are for people to live in. 
        (2)  Gardens are for plants to live in. 
        (3)  There is no such thing as a house plant. 
Bierman's Laws of Contracts: 
        (1)  In any given document, you can't cover all the  
             "what if's". 
        (2)  Lawyers stay in business resolving all the unresolved 
             "what if's". 
        (3)  Every resolved "what if" creates two unresolved 
             "what if's". 
Bloom's Seventh Law of Litigation: 
        The judge's jokes are always funny. 
Blutarsky's Axiom: 
        Nothing is impossible for the man who will not listen 
        to reason.
Boucher's Observation:
        He who blows his own horn always plays the music several
        octaves higher than originally written.
Brady's First Law of Problem Solving:
        When confronted by a difficult problem, you can solve it more
        easily by reducing it to the question, 
        "How would the Lone Ranger have handled this?"
Brogan's Constant:
        People tend to congregate in the back of the church and the 
        front of the bus.
Brooks' Philosophy:
        I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy.
Bunker's Admonition:
        You cannot buy beer; you can only rent it.
Bureau Termination, Law of:
        When a government bureau is scheduled to be phased out, the
        number of employees in that bureau will double within 12
        months after the decision is made.
Carson's Observation on Footwear:
        If the shoe fits, buy the other one, too.
Chism's Law of Completion:
        The amount of time required to complete a government project is
        precisely equal to the length of time already spent on it.
Clovis' Consideration of an Atmospheric Anomaly:
        The perversity of nature is nowhere better demonstrated than by the 
        fact that, when exposed to the same atmosphere, bread becomes
        hard while crackers become soft.
Cohen's Law:
        There is no bottom to worse.
Computer Programming, Laws of:
        1.  Any given program, when running, is obsolete.
        2.  Any given program costs more and takes longer.
        3.  If a program is useful, it will have to be changed.
        4.  If a program is useless, it will have to be documented.
        5.  Any given program will expand to fill all available memory.
        6.  The value of a program is proportional the weight of its
            output.
        7.  Program complexity grows until it exceeds the capability of
            the programmer who must maintain it.
Confusious' Religious Thoughts:
        Jesus saves,
        Moses invests,
        But only Buddha pays dividends.
Crenna's Law of Political Accountability:
        If you are the first to know about something bad, you are going to
        be held responsible for acting on it, regardless of your formal
        duties.
Crinklaw's Observation:
        Nowadays the order of life is reversed:  Sex is first enjoyed,
        marriage follows, and after marriage comes abstinence.
Davis' Law of Traffic Density:
        The density of rush-hour traffic is directly proportional to
        1.5 times the amount of extra time you allow to arrive on time.
Deloreon's Law of Narcotics:
        Cocaine is life's way of telling you that you make too much money.
Dill's Law :
        Do unto others before they do unto you.
Drakenberg's Discovery:
        If you can't seem to find your glasses, it's probably because
        you don't have them on.
Einstein's Formula for Success:
        If A equals success, then the formula is A equals X plus Y
        plus Z, with X being work, Y play, and Z keeping your mouth shut.
Einstein's Proposal:
        As far as the laws of mathematics refer to reality, they
        are not certain; and as far as they are not certain, they
        do not refer to reality.
Engineer's Education:
        Everything that mechanical engineers need to know:
            1) F = ma.
            2) You can't push a rope.
            3) Water doesn't go up a hill by itself.
Gabor's Belief:
        If marriage is outlawed, only outlaws will have in-laws.
Garfield's Golden Rule:
        No matter how much cats fight, there always seem to be
        enough kittens.
Gibbon's Discovery:
        Living in Hollywood is like living in a bowl of Granola ;
        what ain't fruits and nuts is flakes.
Gilbert's Discovery:
        Any attempt to use the new super glues results in the two pieces
        sticking to your thumb and index finger rather than to each other.
Glyme's Formula:
        The secret of success is sincerity.  Once you can fake 
        that, you've got it made.
Gomme's Laws:
        (1)  A backscratcher will always find new itches.
        (2)  Time accelerates.
        (3)  The weather at home improves as soon as you go away.
Gunter's Airborne Discoveries:
        (1)  When you are served a meal aboard an aircraft, the aircraft
             will encounter turbulence.
        (2)  The strength of the turbulence is directly proportional to 
             the temperature of you coffee.
Haig's Lesson:
        Think twice before speaking, but don't say,
        think think, click click.
Hale Mail Rule, The:
        When you are ready to reply to a letter, you will lack at least
        one of the following:
                        (a)  A pen or pencil or typewriter.
                        (b)  Stationery.
                        (c)  Postage stamp.
                        (d)  The letter you are answering.
Hall's Laws of Politics:
        (1)  The voters want fewer taxes and more spending.
        (2)  Citizens want honest politicians until they want
             something fixed.
        (3)  Constituency drives out consistency (i.e., liberals defend
             military spending, and conservatives social spending in 
             their own districts).
Hanson's Treatment of Time:
        There are never enough hours in a day, but always too many
        days before Saturday.
Harriet's Dining Observation:
        In every restaurant, the hardness of the butter pats increases
        in direct proportion to the softness of the bread.
Hawkeye's Conclusion:
        It's not easy to play the clown when you've got to run the
        whole circus.
Hempstone's Question:
        If you have to travel on the Titanic, why not go first class?
Hewett's Observation:
        The rudeness of a bureaucrat is inversely proportional to his
        or her position in the governmental hierarchy and to the
        number of peers similarly engaged.
Hitchcock's Staple Principle:
        The stapler runs out of staples only while you are trying
        to staple something.
Hoffer's Discovery:
        The grand act of a dying institution is to issue a newly
        revised, enlarged edition of the policies and procedures manual.
Immutability, Three Rules of:
        (1)  If a tarpaulin can flap, it will.
        (2)  If a small boy can get dirty, he will.
        (3)  If a teenager can go out, he will.
Jackson's Gospel:
        If there is no God, then who pops up the next kleenex ?
Jacob's Law:
        To err is human. To blame it on someone else is even more human.
Jim Nasium's Law:
        In a large locker room with hundreds of lockers, the few people
        using the facility at any one time will all have lockers next
        to each other so that everybody is cramped.
Kennedy's Market Thereom:
        Given enough inside information and unlimited credit, you've
        got to go broke.
Kime's Law for the Reward of Meekness:
        Turning the other cheek merely ensures two bruised cheeks.
Kington's Law of Perforation: 
        If a straight line of holes is made in a piece of paper, such
        as a sheet of stamps or a check, that line becomes the 
        strongest part of the paper.
Kirkpatrick's Second Law of International Relations:
        Diplomacy is the art of saying "nice doggy" until you
        can find a rock.
Kliban's First Law of Dining:
        Never eat anything bigger than your head.
Knapp's Law's :
        (1) It will be finished when it's done.
        (2) After lunch.
        (3) It's in the manual.
        (4) Let's put that pig up on the screen.
Kneivel's Law of Physic's:
        The probability of someone watching you is proportional to the
        stupidity of your action.
Lazlo's Chinese Relativity Axiom:
        No matter how great your triumphs or how tragic your defeats-
        approximately one billion Chinese couldn't care less.
Lewis's Law of Travel:
        The first piece of luggage out of the chute doesn't belong
        to anyone, ever.
Magary's Principle:
        When there is a public outcry to cut deadwood and fat from any
        government bureaucracy, it is the deadwood and the fat that do
        the cutting, and the public's services are cut.
Mark's Dental-Chair Discovery:
        Dentists are incapable of asking questions that require a
        simple yes or no answer.
Martin's First Law of Dentistry:
        Toothpaste never hurts the taste of good scotch.
McEwan's Rule of Relative Importance:
        When traveling with a herd of elephants, don't be the first
        to lie down and rest.
Miller's Slogan:
        Lose a few, lose a few.
Mintel's Observation:
         A picture may be worth a thousand words, but a complete
       unambiguous geometric representation is worth a thousand
       pictures.
Miorelli's Law of Life:
        He who dies with the most toys wins.
Miorelli's Pondering:
        Why do people drive on parkways and park in driveways?
Mix's Law:
        There is nothing more permanent than a temporary building.
        There is nothing more permanent than a temporary tax.
Mom's Law:
        When they finally do have to take you to the hospital, your
        underwear won't be clean or new.
Mondale's Law of Politics:
        If at first you don't succeed, give up, no use being a damn fool.
Murphy's Discovery:
        Do you know Presidents talk to the country the way men talk
        to women?  They say, "Trust me, go all the way with me, and
        everything will be all right."  And what happens?  Nine
        months you're in trouble!
Murphy's First Set of Technological Laws:
        - Logic is a systematic method of coming to the wrong
          conclusion with confidence.
        - Tell a man there are 300 billion stars in the universe and
          he'll believe you.  Tell him a bench has wet paint on it and
          he'll have to touch to be sure.
        - All's well that ends.
Murphy's Second Set of Technological Laws:
        - A meeting is an event at which the minutes are kept and the
          hours are lost.
        - To err is human, but to really foul things up requires a
          computer.
        - To spot the expert, pick the one who predicts the job will
          take the longest and cost the most.
Murphy's Third Set of Technological Laws:
        - After all is said and done, a hell of a lot more is said
          than done.
        - If mathematically you end up with the wrong answer, try
          multiplying by the page number.
        - Under the most rigorously controlled conditions of pressure,
          temperature, volume, humidity, and other variables, the
          organism will do as it damn well pleases.
        - All things are possible except skiing through a revolving
          door.
Murphy's Fourth Set of Technological Laws:
        - The only perfect science is hind-sight.
        - Work smarder and not harder and be careful of yor speling.
        - Build a system that even a fool can use and only a fool will
          want to use it.
        - The degree of technical confidence is inversely proportional
          to the level of management.
Murray's Rule:
        Any country with "democratic" in the title isn't.
Nadar's Belief:
        Pro is to con as progress is to congress.
Newlan's Truism:
        An "acceptable" level of unemployment means that the 
        government economist to whom it is acceptable still has a job.
Newman's Discovery:
        Your best dreams may not come true; fortunately, neither will
        your worst dreams.
Nixon's Realization:
        God gives us our relatives, thank goodness we can choose
        our friends.
Nusbaum's Rule:
        The more pretentious the corporate name, the smaller the
        organization.  (For instance, the Murphy Center for the
        Codification of Human and Organizational Law, contrasted
        to IBM, GM, and AT&T.)
O'Coin's Laws:
        (1)  The umbrella at home in your closet causes it to rain.
        (2)  The prettiest girl in the bar will be a lesbian.
        (3)  The more you care for a plant, the faster it will die.
        (4)  The neighbor you hate most will live to be 120.
        (5)  All songs you like are now considered oldies.
        (6)  Any attempt to eat lunch on the beach will result in
             swallowing at least 1000 grains of sand.
Ozman's Laws:
        (1)  If someone says he will do something "without fail," he won't.
        (2)  The more people talk on the phone, the less money they make.
        (3)  People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't.
        (4)  Pizza always burns the roof of your mouth.
Parker's Observation:
        Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes right to the bone.
Pecor's Health-Food Principle:
        Never eat rutabaga on any day of the week that has a "y" in it.
People's Action Rules:
        (1)  Some people who can, shouldn't.
        (2)  Some people who should, won't.
        (3)  Some people who shouldn't, will.
        (4)  Some people who can't, will try, regardless.
        (5)  Some people who shouldn't, but try, will then blame others.
Peterson's Rules:
        (1)  Trucks that overturn on freeways are filled with something
             sticky.
        (2)  No cute baby in a carriage is ever a girl when called one.
        (3)  Things that tick are not always clocks.
        (4)  Suicide only works when you are bluffing.
Pickle's Law:
        If Congress must do a painful thing, the thing must be done
        in an odd-number year.
Pollyanna's Educational Constant:
        The hyperactive child is never absent.
Poorman's Rule:
        When you pull a plastic garbage bag from its handy dispenser
        package, you always get hold of the closed end and try 
        to pull it open.
Pryor's Observation:
        How long you live has nothing to do with how long you are
        going to be dead.
Putt's Law of Technology:
        Technology is dominated by two types of people: those
        who understand what they do not manage, and those who
        manage what they do not understand. 
Quigley's Law:
        Whoever has any authority over you, no matter how small,
        will attempt to use it.
Reisner's Rule of Conceptual Inertia:
        If you think big enough, you'll never have to do it.
Renning's Maxim:
        Man is the highest animal.  Man does the classifying.
Richover's Reasoning:
        More people have died in Ted Kennedy's car than in nuclear
        power plants.
Ritchie's Rule:
        (1)  Everything has some value-if you use the right currency.
        (2)  Paint splashes last longer than the paint job.
        (3)  Search and ye shall find-but make sure it was lost.
Rudd's Discovery:
        You know that any senator or congressman could go home and
        make $300,000 to $400,000, but they don't. Why?  Because
        they can stay in Washington and make it there.
Sagan's Law of the Universe:
        Time is nature's way of making sure everything doesn't
        happen at once.
Savage's Law of Expediency:
        You want it bad, you'll get it bad.
Seleznick's Theory of Holistic Medicine:
        Ice Cream cures all ills.  Temporarily.
Slous' Contention:
        If you do a job too well, you'll get stuck with it.
Spence's Admonition:
        Never stow away on a kamikaze plane.
Steele's Philosophy:
        Everybody should believe in something -- 
        I believe I'll have another drink.
Telesco's Law of Nursing:
        There are two kinds of adhesive tape, the kind that won't go on and
        the kind that won't come off.
Tomlin's Tease:
        We don't care. We don't have to. We're the Phone Company.
Toni's Solution to a Guilt-Free Life:
        If you have to lie to someone, it's their fault.
Twain's Observation:
        Clothes make the man.  Naked people have little or no
        influence on society.
Udall's Fourth Law:
        Any change or reform you make is going to have consequences
        you don't like.
Uncle Ed's Rule of Thumb:
        Never use your thumb for a rule.  You'll either hit it with a 
        hammer or get a splinter in it.
Uncle Sam's Invitation:
        Join the Navy, see the world.  Travel to exotic lands, meet
        interesting people, and kill them.
Walters' Rule:
        All airline flights depart from the gates most distant from
        the center of the terminal.  Nobody ever had a reservation
        on a plane that left Gate 1.
Weed's Axiom:
        Never ask two questions in a business letter.  The reply
        will discuss the one in which you are least interested
        and say nothing about the other.
Wisdom from the Net:
        Too much of a good thing, is just fine.
Woody's Advice:
        More than any time in history, mankind now faces a
        crossroads.  One path leads to despair and utter
        hopelessness, the other to total extinction.  Let
        us pray that we have the wisdom to choose correctly.
Yeager's Admonition:
        There are two kinds of aircraft : fighters and targets.
Zisla's Law:
        If you're asked to join a parade, don't march behind 
        the elephants.